My children are five, seven, and nine. They are white. They are blessed with friends and family members who are People of Color, and they are surrounded by picture books and stories and podcasts and shows that center the voices of People of Color. They know that life is easier for them because they are white. They know that, in our country, people with dark skin aren’t treated as well as they are.
They know these things, but they also don’t. They don’t live these truths, they don’t breathe these truths, and when we’ve talked about racism and anti-racism and civil rights in the past, I can see in their eyes that they don’t actually believe that things could be as unfair as I am telling them they are.
That changed for them this week. Instead of talking in generalities, I used specifics. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to talk in particularities with them. Here is how I talked with them about racism and police brutality and peaceful protests and our Christian faith. I am sharing because I know these conversations aren’t easy, and sometimes it helps to hear how others approached it. I am sharing because I am passionate about creating space for sacred stories, and sacred stories mean true stories. And I am sharing because this is just the start for my children and my family, and we are listening for the next steps after this, and I value your input for what might be the next right steps.
Our First Conversation
I said, “I have a hard thing to talk to you about this morning. You heard our pastor say during church on Sunday that America is being confronted by its original sin. That sin is racism. Our country is founded by white men, for white men. It has always seen people with dark skin as being less than. That’s why there was slavery. That’s why women and people of color weren’t allowed to vote. And that is still a part of our country. It is so much a part of our legacy that we will think and do and say racist things, without even knowing it sometimes, because it’s so pervasive here. You will and I will. One way racism is playing out in our country is that police see people with dark skin – even if they didn’t break any laws – as dangerous, and sometimes they kill them. That happened last week. A man named George Floyd was being arrested, and a police officer knelt on his neck for eight minutes and he died. This is a sad and true thing.”
We were all crying. Healy said, “Oh no! What about _______?” and then named several of our Black loved ones. I said, “I know. You can imagine how scary things must be for them.”
Ro said, “if I was Black I would never feel safe.”
Declan said nothing, just cried.
I said, “This is a scary and true thing. What is also true is that we belong to each other, and that before we are white and before we are American we are God’s beloved. God loves us and holds us. It is hard to hear about our white privilege and how heartbreakingly hard it is to be a person of color in our country. We can feel shame and guilt and like we wish we could change our skin. [All three nodded vigorously when I said this.] We can’t do that. But we can take our pain and pray about it, and ask God to help us to see how we can be helpers. Because it is also true that lots of people feel the way you do. And there have been protests all over our country this week, people gathering to say, ‘No more,’ and to say, ‘We are in this together.’
So right now, let’s pray and ask God for wisdom and courage to stand up and work for change. And then let’s make art about how we’re feeling, or to give to our Black neighbors and friends.”
I asked them if they wanted to talk about it, and they didn’t, but they did pour themselves into their art.
Our Second Conversation
The next night we shared a painting of George Floyd by the artist Nikkolas Smith and we prayed for him. Then I said, “Remember how I said that all of us will do and say and think racist things? We need a plan for when that happens. Daddy and I wrote an Anti-Racist Pledge for our family, and we thought we could all sign it and put it up in the house as a promise to each other. It says:
I hate racism, but I also know that I will make mistakes and commit racist acts with my thoughts, words, and deeds. When this is pointed out to me I will say:
1. I am sorry.
2. Thank you for helping me to learn.
3. I will work to do better.
We are writing this as a family because we all need help to do better. You may learn things at school that help you to catch Mommy or Daddy saying or doing things we shouldn’t. You help us, and we’ll help you, and we’ll keep working for change and healing.”
These are the first two conversations. There will be more. Our family’s anti-racist pledge will grow as we learn from each other and from voices on the margins.
I hope this helps you to have courageous conversations with the children in your life. If you are looking for more resources, you can find picture books to support conversations with our kids on racism here. We also like watching these stories online from Sankofa Read Aloud.
And CNN and Sesame Street are hosting a Town Hall on Racism this Saturday, June 6, at 10 am for families.